Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney and a biker.

As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For her birthday, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring."

As the attorney was stirring his martini he said, "For my wife's birthday, I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way, if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet."

As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I'm going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn't like the T-shirt she can go f*ck herself!"

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 6/24/2008 at 11:11:42 AM     

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.

'Wow!' I was flabbergasted. 'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.' She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'

'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'

So I told her to fuck off.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 3/24/2008 at 1:25:10 PM     

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are playing golf with their wives.

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, Daphne! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" he demands.

"Well you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," she replies.

He immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee ...

Her skirt also flies up to show that she is not wearing any knickers either.

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Bridget! Where are your knickers?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the allowance you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20.

Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jaysus! Aggie. Where the frig are yer drawers?" the Scotsman exclaims.

She also explains, "You dinna give me enough money t' be able t' affarrd any."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the Love'o Jaysus 'n the sake of decency...here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a wee bit. "

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 1/4/2008 at 1:19:58 PM     

The Polite way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

The teacher fainted...

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 9/17/2007 at 12:41:38 PM     

A woman was shopping at the local supermarket where sheselected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of romaine lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
and A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

she was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. she looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, shesaid: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right.

But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly.".

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 9/5/2007 at 11:44:27 AM     

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally... but this one is real, and it's

important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They onlywant to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 5/24/2007 at 1:09:49 PM     

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

eWare

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 3/13/2007 at 7:20:30 AM     

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, why don't you eat the peanuts yourself? "We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied,? "We just love the chocolate around them."

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 1/24/2007 at 8:25:59 AM     

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'." "Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too," "Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter .... Just gonna be the two of us."

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 1/17/2007 at 10:47:12 AM     

A man, and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk...

eWare

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 1/12/2007 at 10:49:06 AM     

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so.. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong.

So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"

The old man said: "I thought it was GAS......... but I was wrong."

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 9/29/2006 at 7:30:48 AM     

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 9/7/2006 at 7:45:24 AM     

1) And now the tasting test ...
2) And now shake it a bit ...
3) In which glass was my mineral water?
4) Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?
5) And now the detonating gas problem.
6) This is a completely safe experimental setup.
7) Now you can take the protection window away ...
8) Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?
9) And now a cigarette ...

eWare

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 7/3/2006 at 8:25:52 AM     

Q: Which nut is like a sneeze?

A: A cashew!

Q: What do astronauts listen to?

A: Nep-tunes!

Q: What do cows read at bedtime?

A: Dairy tales!

eWare

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 5/18/2006 at 1:45:54 PM     

THE "BRIEF SAFE"

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 4/6/2006 at 3:40:46 PM     

Here is a fun little quiz to see if you can tell the differeance between internet lingo or Star Wars characters. Ready? May I present Web 2.0 or Star Wars Character? Have fun.

BTW, I scored a 28

eWare

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 3/28/2006 at 7:22:54 AM     

Here is a link to an awsome blond joke. enjoy.

link to joke

eWare

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 1/27/2006 at 12:20:23 PM     

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 1/19/2006 at 2:55:21 PM     

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 1/1/2006 at 9:55:02 AM     

Q. What's the difference between the Packers & the Taliban?
A. The Taliban has a running game

Q. How do the Packers count to 10?
A. 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4, 0-5, 0-6, 0-7, 0-8, 0-9, 0-10

Q. What do the Packers & Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 60,000 people stand up & yell "Jesus Christ"

Q. How do you keep Brett Favre out of your yard?
A. Put up goal posts

eWare

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 12/9/2005 at 1:11:50 PM     

Top 10 replies by developers when their programs don't work:

10. That's weird...
9. It's never done that before.
8. It worked yesterday.
7. You must have the wrong version.
6. It works, but it hasn't been tested.
5. Somebody must have changed my code.
4. Did you check for a virus?
3. Where were you when the program blew up?
2. Why do you want to do it that way?

and finally ...

1. I thought I fixed that.

Taken from C. Enrique Ortiz' Weblog I have know Idea who this person is BTW.

eWare

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 11/1/2005 at 8:22:03 AM     

I was notified of this today and I personally have a reall issue with this so I'm posting it. Check for your Driver's License and remove it please!!!

Now you can see anyone's Driver's License on the Internet, i found mine and a few people here at work and asked for ours to be removed. we recieved emails back saying they would on there next update but who knows when the hell that will be.

Here's a quick link to it.
http://www.license.shorturl.com

Just enter your name, city and state to see if yours is on file.

After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked ~ "Please Remove". ~ This will remove it from public viewing, but not from law enforcement.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 10/25/2005 at 6:17:42 AM     

You have to love it when your home town makes the ap

DAVENPORT, Iowa (AP) -- A home in eastern Iowa no longer has the power to scare off underground aliens.

Police have taken away a device from a home in Davenport after its new tenants discovered a box containing what they thought was a bomb.

But the house's former owner says it was designed to scare off aliens living underground.

Jessica Harper moved out of the house last month and left behind the box. She says she got it from her mother's friend, an astrologer who Harper describes as -- quote -- off his rocker.

She says she didn't want to throw it away because it wasn't hers.

The new tenants discovered the box yesterday and evacuated their home while the Quad-City bomb squad investigated.

Authorities would not confirm the device's purpose, but they say it looks dangerous.

Copyright 2005, Associated Press. All Rights Reserved. This material cannot be published, broadcast, rewritten, or distributed.

eWare

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 10/18/2005 at 11:02:59 AM     

I got this from the Old Style site

• When you are at a wedding where the bride does a dollar dance and the beer of choice is Old Style— that's Wisconsin.

• When someone next to you orders an Old Style and a hot dog with ketchup on it - that is NOT Chicago—you must be in Wisconsin. (ketchup is NOT for Chicago-Style dogs.)

• If there is a screen door on the bar, that's Wisconsin.

• It's June, you're watching a ballgame, drinking an Old Style and there's Ivy growing on the outside of the can—that's Chicago.

• If the bar is on any floor above 90—that's Chicago.

• If the bar is below street level—that's Chicago.

• If they are playing baseball and drinking Old Style— that's either!

• If you're drinking Old Style in a bar with a batting cage and you can hear a crowd roaring across the street— that's Chicago.

• If you're surrounded by 44 neighborhoods and they all serve Old Style—you're on the South Side of Chicago.

• If someone plugs their car into an outlet during their shift tending bar—that's Wisconsin.

• You just picked up a Black and Gold, Old Style Sports-Fan Tribute-Pack—that's neither…You're in IOWA!

eWare

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 10/4/2005 at 6:21:13 PM     

If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes"delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it.

Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer .

It demagnetizes the stripes! on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??

It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

*** WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN ***

If you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.

Send this warning to everyone!!!

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD!

Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!!

And look at you - you're on the computer!!!

BTW, this is just a joke

eWare

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 10/3/2005 at 10:18:41 AM     

I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me.

In today's hectic world we all could use a little calm. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace.

The article read:

"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."

So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished....

.... and before leaving the house this morning I finished a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Bailey's,Kahlua and Wild Turkey, the Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freakin good I feel....

..... You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace...

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 9/28/2005 at 8:04:39 AM     

Monitor glued to the wall

A computer monitor suspended by....Loctite Super Bonder? Users can send short messages that display in real time on the monitor and also look at photos.

eWare

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 8/4/2005 at 7:13:27 AM     

Too poor to afford the latest Apple technology? Just make your own outta paper and go out in style!

PaperMac

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 7/27/2005 at 12:02:04 PM     

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes,
you know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is
named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran! and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball
cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . . .is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news
station:

"STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all
busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour
early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're
here illegally, they want to give you one.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 7/6/2005 at 10:01:22 AM     

Oh Yea

eWare

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 7/6/2005 at 6:40:31 AM     

So, we have a helper this summer who helping out with some data migration. Well, today he was not at his desk but instead was put to work disassembling some old PC’s. I couldn’t help my self so I told him he might want to grab the lead vest from IS because it’s not safe to work with all that hard ware all day long. He didn’t believe me enough to do any thing about it so I got my cube neighbor to do the same a few minutes later. This was all that was needed to freak out and the photo below shows the out come of the prank

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 6/23/2005 at 8:58:15 AM     

Quench your thirst for knowledge.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 4/1/2005 at 1:38:10 PM     

http://www.bobscube.com/

eWare

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 4/1/2005 at 12:22:35 PM     

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 2/21/2005 at 7:23:04 AM     

CHICAGO (DPI) - A crew of Major League Baseball umpires yesterday made the uncomfortable discovery that Sonia Sosa, wife of all-star Chicago Cubs slugger Sammy Sosa, has been using a corked marital aid during games. When yesterday's game ended early, umpires were shocked to find Mrs. Sosa in their locker room, rounding third and headed for home with the illegally modified tool. Mrs. Sosa admitted that she added the cork to an otherwise legal 7-inch silicone "Louisville Lover," but said she was forced to do so because years of steroid abuse have left her husband with severely shriveled genitalia. "My Louie been berry, berry good to me," she said.

Barrowed from the dailyprobe.com

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 1/31/2005 at 10:29:37 AM     

President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims this time and one blonde with big tits."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Muslims".

eWare

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 11/19/2004 at 9:17:49 AM     

THE PAINTER A blonde who wanted to earn some money decided to hire herself out as a "handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood, looking for work. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if they had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well," said the man, "you can paint my porch. How much will you charge me?" The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed, and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it. Do you really think she's that dumb?" "No. I guess I'm just used to reading those e-mail blonde jokes." A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 11/13/2004 at 4:06:53 AM     

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 11/5/2004 at 10:45:37 AM     

Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 11/5/2004 at 10:40:18 AM     

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 7/20/2004 at 10:36:33 AM     

20,000 and counting

eWare

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 7/20/2004 at 10:24:37 AM     

ATHENS, Greece (Reuters) -- The Olympic flame, a symbol of peace meant to bring the world together ahead of the Games, became an instrument of crime busting when a police helicopter accompanying it on the island of Crete spotted cannabis farms.

"The police helicopter was accompanying the flame on its journey, patrolling the skies above the actual torch relay route, when they spotted a cannabis farm near the town of Rethymnon," said a spokeswoman for the Ministry of Public Order.

"They decided to stay and investigate, and eventually spotted other farms in remote areas outside the towns of Heraklion and Rethymnon with a total of around 7,000 cannabis plants, which is quite a good haul," she added.

The torch, now in the last phase of its tour around Greece, will arrive at the main Olympic stadium in Athens to light the cauldron and open the Games on August 13.

Its $45 million journey around the world has had all the hallmarks of a presidential tour with security, surveillance, motorcades, cheering crowds and a specially chartered jumbo jet, dubbed Zeus.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 7/14/2004 at 3:03:31 PM     

When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

eWare

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 7/13/2004 at 7:36:15 AM     

UPDATED: 06/21/04 7:06 AM

CANTON (AP) -- Police in several Illinois counties had quite a chase for doughnuts this morning.

A doughnut delivery van reported stolen in Lincoln was spotted in East Peoria around four a-m and somehow made it all the way to Canton, despite driving over two sets of “stop sticks'' designed to flatten tires.

Police say the van belonging to Peoria-based Lester's Tasty Donuts lost at least one tire and ruined its rims as the driver took it through Peoria and into Fulton County.

Police say the van was finally pulled over in Canton, and the driver fled on foot.

Copyright 2004, Associated Press. All Rights Reserved. This material cannot be published, broadcast, rewritten, or distributed.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 6/21/2004 at 8:28:34 AM     

Snaged from cnn.com 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 6/8/2004 at 2:10:29 PM     

DES MOINES (AP) -- A Taco Bell employee in Des Moines says she was assaulted with a Chalupa.

Police say they are investigating the incident that happened Thursday night when a disgruntled customer allegedly threw a taco at the employee.

Christopher Lame was accused of simple assault for throwing the Chalupa at employee Nancy Harrison.

Police say 24-year-old Lame walked into the business after he purchased tacos through the drive-thru. When he asked Harrison to correct the order, she asked for a receipt. Lame allegedly became upset, walked back to his vehicle and returned with the tacos.

Police say Harrison told Lame the business was closing. Lame allegedly threw the Chalupa at Harrison, hitting her near the eye.

Harrison ran after Lame and wrote down his license plate number.

Police say Lame was issued a criminal citation.

Copyright 2004, Associated Press. All Rights Reserved. This material cannot be published, broadcast, rewritten, or distributed

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 6/7/2004 at 1:49:14 PM     

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                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 5/14/2004 at 11:13:25 AM     

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                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 4/28/2004 at 12:52:08 PM     

I just found out that Engelbert Humperdincks real name is Arnold George Dorsey. What I want to know is, did he really thing that changing his name to Engelbert Humperdinck was a step up?

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                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 4/21/2004 at 1:14:39 PM     

In order to comply with EPA (Environmental Protection Agency) regulations and at a cost of about $5.2 million per ICBM, the rocket motors on 500 Minuteman III missiles will be replaced with new ones. These rockets will emit less toxic chemicals when used. But the new, environmentally correct rockets will be heavier than the old ones, and will thus have a shorter range than the original motors. The actual range of the Minuteman III has been classified, but is thought to be nearly 10,000 kilometers, based on where the missiles are stationed and where the original Russian targets were. Thus, if the Minuteman III ICBMs have to be used in some future nuclear war, their rocket motors will not pollute the atmosphere. EPA regulations do not apply in foreign countries, so no changes are being made to reduce the harmful environmental effects of the nuclear warheads.

From

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                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 4/20/2004 at 3:22:03 PM     

Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 4/15/2004 at 12:20:06 PM     

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartender says no.

''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 4/15/2004 at 12:17:05 PM     

Where does a king keep his armies?

Up his sleevies.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ___Added on 4/15/2004 at 12:14:32 PM